1 THE FOX FOOTBALL DEAL CBS will have to find another sport as stupid and as violent that people will watch. Whaling, perhaps? 2 LONI ANDERSON On her salary she still says she’s broke. Is hair spray that expensive?
3 ROSEANNE ARNOLD More front-page revelations about her past. The good news is she’ll never appear on I’ve Got a Secret.
4 SHANNEN GETS THE AX? One down, 90209 to go.
5 HOWARD STERN’S NEW YEAR’S SHOW There’s one way his fans could get all the sex they seem to want all the time. Act human.
6 THE AIR UP THERE Kevin Bacon goes to Africa to recruit basketball players. The only thing that keeps this from being a racist joke is that it isn’t funny.
7 COLD-ERA RADIATION TESTING Whoops! At least we won’t have PETA on our backs.
8 CABIN Something for Chris Elliott fans. If there were any.
9 PREGNANT 59-YEAR-OLDS Why not? She’s already changing diapers.
10 PRINCESS DI IN WASHINGTON She wanted to go to a place where she wouldn’t always be the dumbest person in the room. Just her luck, Congress was adjourned.
11 ANGEL MANIA Do angels know that being made into earrings and throw pillows means we love them?
12 WRINKLE-FREE COTTON SHIRTS The greatest scientific discovery since panty hose. If only we had wrinkle-free bodies to wear them on.
13 NKOTB They think it sounds hipper than New Kids on the Block. What wouldn’t?
14 DEATH CLOCK Ticking off the national gun-death toll in Times Square. You don’t want to be standing there if they think it’s going too slow.
15 ASPEN Where the rich and famous go to get away from it all. Why not send it all to Aspen and stay where you are?