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Super Mario Bros.

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Approaching ”Howard the Duck” in sheer turkeytude, this dingy fiasco should serve as warning to all Hollywood execs hoping to mine video games for E-Z profit. The plot follows the Nintendo smash in spirit if not letter: Brooklyn plumbers Mario and Luigi Mario (Hoskins and John Leguizamo) venture into an alternate dimension to rescue lady love Princess Daisy (Samantha Mathis) from evil dino-guy King Koopa (Hopper). Unfortunately, action, dialogue, and characters are strictly on the point-and-shoot level, and the chintzy production design suggests Blade Runner as imagined by a 2-year-old. Perhaps most insultingly, Super Mario Bros. casts some of the coolest actors around — Hoskins, Leguizamo, Hopper, Mathis, Richard Edson, hell, even Mojo Nixon — and makes them all look dumb. Bag the tape and play the game — at least there you’ll have a chance of winning.