1 FLESH AND BONE Meg Ryan suddenly remembers her family was murdered. Never send her to the grocery store without a list.
2 CALIFORNIA FIRES Stars are now buying maps to insurance agents’ homes.
3 REMAINS OF THE DAY Anthony Hopkins as an English butler. Thank goodness he’s not the cook: ”More Chianti with your fava beans, sir?”
4 JANET RENO’S SCREENPLAY There’s too much violence on TV. But you can never have too much bad writing.
5 STAR TREK MEMORIES Imagine how interesting Trekkies would be if they spent this much time studying real science.
6 SOUTH OF SUNSET CBS pulled the plug after one broadcast. That was 55 minutes longer than the audience gave it.
7 THE PACKWOOD DIARIES Sounds like we need sperm limits, too.
8 THE FIFTH NETWORK Who will get one organized first? It’s hard. All the really dumb network executives are taken.
9 HONKY TONK ANGELS Dolly Parton, Tammy Wynette, and Loretta Lynn have a new record. Will the fingernails go unbroken?
10 A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE Even with footage restored, it’s pretty tame. Now, first graders fight over who’ll play Blanche in the school play.
11 PEARL JAM Setting records with their new album. All those stories on how much they despise publicity must have worked.
12 LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW! What were the chances that both John Travolta and Kirstie Alley would be available?
13 GUNS N’ TICKETS Turn in a gun, get a free concert ticket. Sure, you can cut in line. Your friends, too.
14 CAROLINA PANTHERS The NFL’s next expansion team. Like they really need 47 more 300-pound, no-necked guys.
15 DEAD NEIGHBORS Maybe we should check on Adele. It’s been four years since she showed up at the block party.