1 GETTYSBURG Ted Turner’s $20 million four-hour epic on the Civil War battle. They had to talk him out of changing the ending.
2 NEIL DIAMOND He’s on his ”How long can it be before I get a theater in Branson?” tour.
3 ESPRESSO BARS The neighborhood greasy spoon has become a bistro. It’s for people who like to ciao down.
4 WOODSTOCK There’s talk of a 25th-anniversary concert. Aren’t the flashbacks enough?
5 MERCEDES-BENZ’S ALABAMA PLANT Great. We’ve become Germany’s Mexico.
6 WEIGHT-LOSS CRACKDOWN Deceptive advertising? What other kind is there?
7 ANTIOCH COLLEGE To have sex, the students must say yes each step of the way. Lucky there are no essay questions.
8 ROSEANNE’S FACE LIFT The hard part was finding a crane that could fit in an operating room.
9 PRINCESS DI She’s not on this year’s best-dressed list. That does it. No Christmas card for her.
10 MTV LATINO The Hispanic version of music television. Beavis and Charo.
11 THE SANTA YNEZ FIRE They say it was started by a deer hunter’s cigarette. He could have put it out right away, but it was his last beer.
12 LASSIE’S 50TH BIRTHDAY She’s 350 dog years old. If Timmy wants help, he can call 911.
13 DAN RATHER He says nightly news is becoming too sensational. We should keep it boring and tedious the way he does.
14 GRACE UNDER FIRE Tough-talking single mom Brett Butler takes on the world. Ever notice how much more fun it is to be poor on TV than in real life?
15 MARKY MARK’S EXERCISE VIDEO Thanks, I’ll wait for John Candy’s.