1 THE GOOD SON Macaulay Culkin plays a psychopath. His inner child needs a good spanking. 2 CHINESE FOOD Now everyone gets the same fortune: ”You’ll die fat and happy.”
3 THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT Where do they keep finding 51 women with three names?
4 NYPD BLUE Some critics say it’s too raw and racy for network television. Good thing they didn’t try to do a show called ”NYC Subway.”
5 THE AGE OF INNOCENCE A love triangle in Old New York. Will Amy Fisher’s audience understand why Michelle Pfeiffer doesn’t just shoot the wife in the head?
6 AIRBORNE A movie about hotdog rollerblading. It’s part of a new trend. If you’re not trying to hurt yourself, it’s not a sport.
7 THE EMMY AWARDS TV giving itself prizes again. Who else would do it?
8 JANE FONDA She says she won’t leave Ted Turner’s side long enough to make another film. I don’t trust him either.
9 VIACOM-PARAMOUNT MERGER Your worst nightmare. Beavis and Butt-head with $8 billion dollars.
10 EDDIE MURPHY He’s being mentioned as a possible James Bond. He already has a license to ”kill my landlord.”
11 PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST After 50 years, this calls for something special. Quick, get that crazy ten gallon-headdress-scarf that I bought in Tunisia.
12 MORTAL KOMBAT The best-selling video game where the loser’s bloody head and spinal cord are ripped from the body. The perfect stocking stuffer.
13 OPRAH’S INCOME $98 million in two years. She wanted to top $100 million but three normal people appeared on her show by accident.
14 THE ROYAL CATALOG Now we can buy the same junk the Queen has. Look how happy she is.
15 DAZED AND CONFUSED The class of ’76 tokes its way through the last day of school. Today, some of them are ready to graduate from college.