1. Burt Reynolds on tv
Does [symbol for Prince] know his purple suit is missing?
2. Anthony Quinn
The 78-year-old actor’s mistress just had his baby. It’s a much easier way to prove your manhood than one-armed push-ups.
Warner Bros. wants to start a fifth network. They’ll get shows the others turned down: Buried…With Children and The Colonel Sanders Show.
4. Michael Jackson
More friends would rally to his side, but most of them aren’t old enough to fly alone.
5. MTV Video Music Awards
Christian Slater as host? What, Joey Lawrence wasn’t available?
6. Micky Dolenz
Out flogging a book about his days as a Monkee. Gee, where does he find the time?
7. Princess Diana at Disney World
Bodyguards in costumes. Wouldn’t you pay to see Goofy wrestling troublesome tourists to the ground?
8. Trade Winds
A prime-time soap about rival wealthy families on a Caribbean island. With original plot lines like ”Who macheted J.R.?”
9. The U.S. Open Tennis is so civilized.
You can’t even stab the players unless you’re wearing all white.
10. Meat Loaf
Hitting the comeback trail with Bat Out of Hell II. Promoters love him. He eats all the leftover brown M&M’s.
11. Crushed velvet
What the designers say you’ll be wearing this fall. On Halloween, maybe.
12. Boxing Helena
A doctor cuts off a woman’s limbs so she can’t resist him. But he loses interest when she puts on weight.
13. Sein anguage
A collection of the comedian’s routines as a book. Drunks are heckling the hell out of him in the margins.
14. The Joy Luck Club
Chinese-American women share their family histories over a weekly game of mah-jongg. Canterbury Tales, Szechuan style.
15. Anne Rice vs. Tom Cruise
She doesn’t think he fits the part of her erudite, French-speaking, intellectual, homoerotic vampire Lestat. Like, who would?