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Proposed film festivals

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At real film festivals, independent filmmakers show their work and look to cut distribution deals. But the festivals listed below need no middlemen. The movies are already on their way to you. All you have to do is show up.

The Cross-Dressers’ Support Group Festival
In both Farewell My Concubine and M. Butterfly, men who play women on stage find it better not to change costume. Then Robin Williams gives the whole idea a sensitive-dad twist as he plays nanny to his own kids in Mrs. Doubtfire.

The Lovett or Leave It Festival
Not content to watch Julia Roberts’ husband in Short Cuts? Choose among her cast-offs: former fiance Kiefer Sutherland in The Three Musketeers, former escort Liam Neeson in Schindler’s List, and former escort Jason Patric in Geronimo.

The They-Shoot-New-Yorkers-Don’t-They Festival
The tour begins with Little Italy’s Household Saints and upper Manhattan’s The Saint of Fort Washington. De Niro’s A Bronx Tale returns him to Jake La Motta territory, though it was shot in Queens. Carlito’s Way winds through East Harlem. Romeo Is Bleeding paints the town red. Matt Dillon’s Con Ed lineman electrifies the city in Mr. Wonderful. And Six Degrees of Separation hits downtown night spots and East Side enclaves.

The Mister Clairol Festival
What do you say when a guy hits the bottle — especially when it’s peroxide or henna? Watch for a brassy blond fade on Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man. The hunt for red November yields Sean Penn, carrot-topped, permed, and thin upstairs in Carlito’s Way, and December brings Clint Eastwood, ablaze in A Perfect World.

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