1. Garth Brooks
On the road again, still looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy. He should try chasing that bus instead of riding in it.
2. Letterman’s Opening Night
Think we’re not showing our age? 11:30 is now Late Night.
3. The Man Without A Face
Mel Gibson plays a man disfigured by fire. Bobbing for shrimp on the barbie?
4. Needful Things
Stephen King’s chilling tale of greed. The big surprise is that it’s not set in Congress.
5. Son Of The Pink Panther
An Italian comedian as the child of Inspector Clouseau. Oh vair my dead bah dee.
6. Driveways Of The Rich And Famous
Only on cable can a glimpse of George Burns going from the car to the house be treated like cinema vérité.
7. Clinton’s Vacation House
The First Family highlights the plight of many Americans — those poor unfortunates with no weekend home..
8. Salman Rushdie
He came out of hiding at a U2 concert. I figured him for a Deadhead.
9. The Streets Of Laredo
The violent sequel to Lonesome Dove. And they didn’t watch any television.
10. Ted Turner
The cable-TV magnate wants to buy two Hollywood companies. How sweet. His and Hers.
11. Tia Carrere
The Wayne’s World star is coming out with an album. It’s all schwing music.
12. Billy Joel
A guy is suing, claiming the Piano Man copied two of his songs. He wants $1 million in damages and $9 million for having to admit it.
13. The Fugitive
They’ve come out with tie-in merchandise. The Richard Kimble doll. It’s $10 for an empty box. You find him.
14. James Caan
The New York Post says he knows Heidi Fleiss but was never a client. Like he could afford it with his career.
15. Back-To-School Shopping
Remember the good old days when you could get a pair of sneakers for $100?