Jim Mullen
August 20, 1993 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. The Pope Visits Denver
Selling souvenir boxer shorts seems a little odd, but then that’s where most men need a miracle.

2. Buckingham Palace
The multibillionaire Queen is opening her house to the riffraff. What’s next? Amway?

3. Buried Alive
Days of Our Lives‘ new plot line. How long can a person last in a coffin on a soap? Three, four months, tops.

4. Manhattan Murder Mystery
Will all the bad publicity hurt Woody Allen’s latest film? Well, good publicity never did much for them.

5. Hard Target
The latest Jean-Claude Van Damme pas de duh. At least he never has to stop to reload his leg.

6. Jason Goes to Hell
He knows he’s in hell because the only things to watch are Friday the 13th movies.

7. Clinton’s Dad
So he’s the father of our country.

8. Susan Powter
The new Richard Simmons. Well, almost. She’s not quite as feminine.

9. The Barbi Twins’ comic strip
The two busty Playboy models will fight crime and injustice in tiny two-piece swimsuits. ”We said put your hands up, buddy.”

10. Burt And Loni
Did they write their own vows? ”Till death do us part. Or until I meet a nice waitress.”

11. JFK JR. And Daryl Hannah
So, are they married or not? Cousin Willie and Uncle Ted can’t wait to kiss the bride.

12. Madam Heidi
What’s the difference between prostitution and a date? About $1,450.

13. Wesley Snipes
He crashes a motorcycle and he’s carrying a gun. At least he hasn’t ”gone Hollywood.” He’s gone Barstow.

14. Twist
A Documentary on the ’60s dance craze. Sure it looks silly, but imagine explaining a mosh pit 30 years from now.

15. Michelle Pfeiffer’s new baby
Another single mother? Haven’t we learned by now that it takes two people to screw up a child?

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