Jim Mullen
August 13, 1993 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. Madonna vs. Marky Mark
They were fighting over who has bigger breasts.
2. The Fugitive
Another film inspired by a TV show. Where will it end? Home Shopping Network: The Movie?

3. Heart And Souls
Robert Downey Jr. lets four dead spirits enter his body. It’s the Al Gore story.

4. Ted Kennedy Book
Joe McGinniss says you can’t copyright history. No, but you can put it in your own words.

5. Suicide Notes
White House reporters think it’s okay to kill yourself as long as you leave a note. Otherwise it’s crazy.

6. Searching For Bobby Fischer
Call it off. You might accidentally find him.

7. Ted Turner And Jane Fonda
PETA wants them to stop selling buffalo meat. Where was the animal rights crowd all the years he was selling the bull?

8. Japan Bashing
Rising Sun couldn’t make them look worse than Godzilla did.

9. Birth Mothers
Ten years ago you never heard this term. Now they have a section on the greeting-card rack.

10. Free Keiko
Activists say the Free Willy star would be better off in the wild. If it’s so great, why do they call it ”the wild”?

11. Vince Coleman
The Mets player threw an M-80 into a crowd. Doesn’t he know you’re just supposed to be rude to fans, not blow them up?

12. Madam Heidi
Sleeping with prostitutes won’t embarrass any Hollywood honchos. Driving an American car will.

13. Apple’s Newton
They’re betting their future on this computer-message pad-fax. Add a corkscrew and a penknife and the Swiss Army might buy a few.

14. RuPaul
She’s 6′ 5”, she’s beautiful, she has a hit record, and she’s a man. Who says you can’t have it all?

15. Poetry Readings
Coffeehouses and angst are making a comeback. Know anything that rhymes with ”greenhouse effect”?

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