July 23, 1993 at 04:00 AM EDT

1. Orlando
A movie that examines the politics of sex and gender over four centuries. How Tony fits into that is anybody’s guess.

2. Jackson Pollock movies
At least three film bios are in the works. Soon he’ll be as famous as Amy Fisher.

3. Men in drag
Let’s draw the line at bikini waxing.

4. Amber scam
Many faux pieces on the market since Jurassic Park. No matter what they tell you, we didn’t have Gummi Bears 65 million years ago.

5. ”Thank You” cars
Paramount gave Tom Cruise and Sydney Pollack new Mercedes for their ”hard work” on The Firm. The stockholders got to split a Hyundai.

6. The Czar’s bones
They still haven’t found Anastasia. Bad dog!

7. JFK Jr.
He’s moving to Washington. They’re already taking down the ”No shirt, no service” signs.

8. Bill Cosby
NBC says it’s not for sale. We were fooled by that ”going out of business” sign.

9. Tom and Jerry
Extremely violent. There should be a Geneva Convention for animated cats and mice.

10. ”Lost” Shakespeare play
It looks authentic, but experts agree he wouldn’t have written anything called Rocky 6.

11. The New York Post
What’s black and white and red all over? Their balance sheet. Enough. John Barrymore didn’t have this many death scenes.

12. Aladdin lyrics
Disney’s worried a song will make us anti-Arab. Like bombing the World Trade Center didn’t?

13. Bo Derek
She’s working on a new movie. This time she’s going to try something new. Acting.

14. MTV in Russia
The best part? We’ll be able to watch Lenin turn over in his grave.

15. Miracle microsurgery
Doctors reattach a man’s private part after his wife removed it with a kitchen knife. Good thing she didn’t have a Cuisinart.

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