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PHONE SEX WITH FABIO

UNDER THE COVER OF A ROMANCE MODEL

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I talked about God with Fabio. I didn’t mean to get in so deep. I meant to be mean and make fun of the romance paperback cover stud’s new disc, After Dark (Scotti Bros.). I was going to ridicule the 32-year-old Milanese maned one’s whispered delivery of self-penned lyrics such as ”I like nothin’ bedda den to surprise my lady wid a plane ticket, a toot brush, and her bee-keenee. We need no cloze and no moh-nee. Ches each udder.” But then I actually get the guy on the phone. Fabio begins innocently enough, telling me that he’s very spiritual and that he’s starring in a fall TV show, the syndicated Acapulco H.E.A.T. (”it’s like Mission Impossible in Acapulco”). He tells me he gets lots of mail from his fans-”lipstick prints, pictures, and underwears.” Then Fabio pauses and whispers, ”You haff a furry sexy foice. What do you look like?” I tell him that I am very beautiful. Fabio replies that he is into ”inna byoo-tee.” He says it is important to develop the soul because ”byoo-tee fanishes” and that he thanks God everyday for his physical gifts but finds a woman’s character her most sexually attractive feature. ”So, Fabio,” I ask, my jaded journalistic reserve now a puddle at my feet, ”if you and I were alone together, what music would you put on?” ”My record,” he coos. ”But Fabio,” I toy, ”I would have you there to sing to me.” ”Dat’s right,” he says. Finally, the man on the cover of some 55 million books tells me he is writing one himself. It’s about a pirate in the 18th century. ”Are you on the cover?” I ask. ”What do you think?” says Fabio. I think I need to take a very cold shower.

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