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HEAVY MEDALS

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The Oscar-night accounting firm, Price Waterhouse, wouldn’t go anywhere near Lollapalooza ’93-something about being scared of queasy-looking ethnic fast food and Alice in Chains singer Layne Staley’s satanic, multicolored goatee. Wimps. So, Lollapalooza being the institution it is, we decided to conduct our own Lollawards tally. A mud-caked, duct-taped Doc Martens boot to the Lollapawinners-and losers. 1. Stage Set That Reminded Us the Most of Green Acres: Arrested Development’s, complete with hay bales and outhouse. Arnold Ziffel would’ve felt right at home.

2. Stage Set Most Likely to Cause Migraine: Front 242’s barrage of strobe lights and dry-ice fog-in daylight.

3. Most Popular T-Shirt With Dumbest Slogan: ”Will Work for Sex.”

4. Style of the Times: Dumpers, those huge, baggy shorts favored by skateboarders.

5. Fashion Don’t: Anything flannel.

6. Shoe of Choice: Teva sandals.

7. Best Use of Bone: The Cannibal Neckwear booth-featuring the metatarsal bone of a human hand on a string. (The folks at the booth swear it’s real, and we choose to believe them.) 8. Worst Use of Bone: Scattered debris from the Turkey Leg Jones food stand.

9. Best On-Site Chow: Veggie Pocket and the ”Ital-Yin” grilled eggplant sandwich.

10. Most Popular Temporary Tattoo: Tasmanian Devil. 11. Best Hurl: Anything consumed five minutes before a spin on the Spaceball ride.

12. Most Commonly Overheard Phone Conversation: ”Hi, it seems I ate some bad fish last night and won’t be coming in to work today.”

13. Best Overheard Backstage Comment: ”It smells like a f — -in’ Coppertone factory exploded in here!” -Kat Bjelland, extremely pale Babes in Toyland lead singer

14. Mr. & Ms. Congeniality: Speech of Arrested Development and Babes in Toyland drummer Lori Barbero, both of whom actually mingled with real people.

15. Ugliest Band: Second Stagers Mercury Rev, whose Bigfoot-like singer, David Baker, really scares us.

16. Best Shut-Up-and-Play Moment: ”An imperialist nation like the United States can march into anywhere and kill countless numbers of people in the desert, and it makes me sick!” -Zack de la Rocha of Rage Against the Machine

17. Best Drug-Free Experience: LSD Flight Simulator, with View-Master-like goggles that refract rays into a swirl of mutated colors. Like, cosmic.

18. Most Pretentious Event: The spoken-word tent. Do we really need to hear kids’ thoughts on political subjects they don’t care about the rest of the week?

19. Oldest Lolling Person at Lollapalooza: Timothy Leary, 72, guest speaker at the spoken-word tent. No, kids, those aren’t tattoos; they’re liver spots.

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