Cool Clinton Appointee: David Gergen, whose commentaries with Mark Shields on The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour were the best things on PBS (aside from Bert and Ernie, whom Gergen and Shields kind of resemble). Thinks-He’s-Cool Clinton Appointee: Secretary of State Warren Christopher. So stiff he makes Al Gore look like Gumby. Cool Saturday Night Livers: Adam ”Opera Man” Sandler, David ”Hollywood Minute” Spade, and Ellen ”Queen Shaniqua” Cleghorne. Think-They’re-Cool SNLers: Rob ”Copier Guy” Schneider, Chris ”Nat X” Rock, and Melanie ”Delta Delta Delta, Can I Help Ya, Help Ya, Help Ya?” Hutsell. Cool Melrose Placers: Doug Savant (even if his gay character has all but vanished) and Heather Locklear (who proves there is life after T.J. Hooker). Think-They’re-Cool Melrose Placers: Andrew Shue (put a shirt on, will ya?) and Vanessa Williams (what were you thinking when you agreed to take that token, jive-talking role?). Cool MTV Newsperson: Kurt Loder. The only non-rock star, non-President over 40 allowed on MTV. Thinks-She’s-Cool MTV Newsperson: Tabitha Soren. Who died and made her the voice of Generation X? Cool White-Trash Band: Southern Culture on the Skids, a cross-breed of the B- 52’s and the Beverly Hillbillies. Think-They’re-Cool White-Trash Band: The Black Crowes, a cross between the Faces and the Faces. Cool Author: Jeffrey Eugenides, whose The Virgin Suicides may make him the John Grisham of the sensitive-undergrad set. Thinks-He’s-Cool Author: Doug-las Coupland, whose Shampoo Planet makes Bret Easton Ellis look deep. Cool Character Actor: Max Von Sydow, the Ingmar Bergman vet who made his English-speaking debut as Jesus in 1965’s The Greatest Story Ever Told and plays a slick Satan in this summer’s Needful Things. That’s range. Thinks-He’s-Cool Character Actor: John Lithgow. A perennial early-’80s Oscar nominee (The World According to Garp, Terms of Endearment), he has been coasting through stock supervillain roles in Ricochet, Raising Cain, and Cliffhanger, in which he plays a watered-down clone of Alan Rickman’s Eurotrash Die Hard terrorist. Cool TV Genius: Larry David, writer, co-executive producer, and real-life George of Seinfeld. Any 40ish man who admits that his mom caught him masturbating can’t be all bad. Thinks-He’s-Cool TV Genius: David E. Kelley, creator of the overrated (critically) and underrated (ratings-wise) Picket Fences. For this he gets to date Michelle Pfeiffer? Cool Director: Abel Ferrara. The B-movie auteur (King of New York, Bad Lieutenant) has two movies coming out, a Cannes-fed remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers and the dark Tinseltown satire Snake Eyes, costarring old pal Harvey Keitel and new friend Madonna. Thinks-He’s-Cool Director: David Lynch. Still stuck in Twin Peaks. We hope he stays there. Cool Spoofers: Andy Mayer, Doug Mayer, and Jim Becker, the cutups behind The Cutting Edge, a lacerating parody of the Sharper Image catalog, and The Supreme Court: A Paper Doll Book, a cutout costume book featuring ready- to- dress Justices. Thinks-He’s-Cool Spoofer: Mel Brooks. Why do we get the feeling that the title / of Robin Hood: Men in Tights will be the funniest thing about the movie?