1 LEONA HELMSLEY’S RELEASE They had to. She was scaring the other prisoners.
2 LAST ACTION HERO Car chases, gunfights, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a kid. Whoops! I just spoiled it for you.
3 SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE A radio advice show brings Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan together. If these two have trouble getting dates, what chance do we have?
4 BURT REYNOLDS-LONI ANDERSON SPLIT They always looked so happy. And they’re not good enough actors to fool all of us.
5 NATIONAL PARK CRUSH Some are more crowded than our largest cities. You’ll love the new ”Hike/Don’t Hike” signs.
6 THE FOURTH OF JULY How’d our forefathers know back in 1776 that we’d be needing a big summer holiday?
7 HOME SHOPPING MANIA Everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon-shoppers, stores, designers. Where do folks wear their purchases? To the kitchen?
8 WIMBLEDON Athletic mutants with dubious values playing for obscene amounts of money. Tennis the way it ought to be.
9 THE LAST LETTERMAN SHOW On NBC, anyway. Letterman says there’s no bad blood, but we’ll always wonder how Dave’s ”wife” got Conan O’Brien’s address.
10 BILLY RAY CYRUS The country muscle boy has released his second album. Now he’s paid his dues. To the gym, anyway.
11 ROMPER STOMPER A movie about neo-Nazi skinheads. Let’s wait for the musical.
12 FAMILY DOG Tim Burton’s cartoon portrays man’s best friend as a ne’er-do-well. Obviously the work of a cat person.
13 BEEPER GUNS Deadly pagers for the high school set. A calculator would look too suspicious.
14 THE FIRM Tom Cruise as a lawyer with high moral standards. How’d he slip through law school?
15 JOHN TESH AND LEEZA GIBBONS Doing a daily celebrity fest from Hollywood. It’s like Entertainment Tonight, but not so hard-hitting.