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THE COLD PAGE

THERE’S A FINE LINE BETWEEN BEING THE THING AND BEING THAT OLD THING

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Cool is when chicks dig you and guys copy the way you chew a toothpick. Cold is when the toothpick is soggy and you’re still sucking. Chilling this year: Madonna She made her bed, now she’s spread-eagled on it. Time for her to rethink her position.

Sharon Stone Proof that anyone hot cools off quickly if left uncovered for too long.

Murphy Brown What she knows about combining work and motherhood could fill a fax cover sheet.

Denis Leary He has dragged that I-love-cigarettes routine out to the butt-end of amusing.

Celebrity Public-Service Announcements As if advice from Corbin Bernsen would convince you to wear a condom. Roger Clinton as song man Maybe Linda Bloodworth-Thomason can break the news to him gently: His talent is permanently on hiatus.

Bill Clinton as sax man Giving new meaning to the term ”wind instrument.”

Jay Leno and Arsenio Hall They promised ass-kicking. Instead we got sucker- punching.

And, for that matter, anyone with a talk show currently in development Heads up, Conan and Chevy.

American movie remakes of European films From Hollywood artistes who think Richard Gere can out-Martin Guerre Gerard Depardieu.

Giving comedians their own family-oriented sitcoms (that’s you, Tom Arnold) Homey, funny truths do not flow easily from angry, alienated misanthropes.

Pseudo-gaga tv of the future, by which we mean Wild Palms Sometimes dream imagery of rhinos does not signify art. Sometimes it simply indicates indigestion.

Lapel ribbons Just do the good work, already-don’t wear them as fashion accessories.

Joey Buttafuoco Estimate for the auto-body repairman: His reputation is dented and his headlights are dim.

Dinosaur rockers Word to Jagger, McCartney, et al.: If you’re not Tom Jones, do not attempt to swivel at home.

Dinosaur merchandise You can’t get much more extinct than Jurassic Park boxer shorts.

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