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SURVIVAL OF THE SLICKEST

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Thespianychus Celluloidae *Common names: Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Sam Neill*Field notes: Nomadic, adapt quickly to ever-changing Hollywood climate for murderous women, romatic comedies, and cartoons-come-to-life.*Evolution: What they really want to do is direct.*Life expectancy: Survival instincts vary wildly within the species (ask Katharine Hepburn – or Shannen Doherty). Jurassic can’t hurt, but they should line their lairs with good investments. Directosaurus Rex *Common name: Steven Spielberg*Evolution: Night Gallery episode starring Joan Crawford (1969) The Sugarland Express(1974) Jaws(1975) Close Encounters of the Third Kind(1977) Raiders of the Lost Ark(1981) E.T.: The Extra- Terrestrial(1982) *Field notes: Known for its gargantuan power to attract attention and box offic dollars, D. rex shakes the earth whenever it gives birth. *Natural habitat: Technicolor adventures. Recent migration to a black- and-white World War II drama, Schindler’s List, due this Christmas, will test adaptability of the species. *Life expectancy: Schindler Schmindler. Nothing can stop him.

*Common name: Joseph Mazzello *Field notes: Small, wily, 9years old, able to leap from emotion to emotion at will. *Evolution: Presemed Innocent Radio Flyer Jurassic Park Stanley Kubrick’s untitled next film. *Diet: Macaulay Culkin

Triceratopseller Scifimedico *Common name: Michael Crichton *Field notes: Fluid scribbler second in size only to its close relative, Triceratopsellar briefcaseus (John Grisham). *Diet: Caviar ($2 million for film rights and screenplay for Jurassic Park, $1 million for July’s Rising Sun) *Life expectancy: Immortal.

Megadollarsauri Potentiali *Common Names: Clint Eastwood, Tom Cruise, Arnold Schwarzenegger,Sylvester Stallone *Field notes: Hibernation (followed by elaborate ”hyping” rituals) has prepared these voracious feeders to gorge on summer box office – Jurassic Park’s favorite prey – and one another.

Pterodakshill Neverenuf *Commonly: The 100-plus companies peddling 1,000-plus Jurassic Park products – including action figures, calendars, video games, and McDonald’s tie-ins. (A slew more are cashing in on the craze unofficially: even Days Inn has a dinosaur in its TV ad campaign.)*Life expectancy: Seen any canary yellow Dick Tracy raincoats on the bargain rack?

Playertodon Wheeladealidae *Common name: MCA Motion Picture Group chairman Tom Pollock *Field Notes: Though widely thought to get his paw prints on everything, actually walks on tip-toe to keep more highly strung animals from stampeding.*Life expectancy: If he can’t thaw Universal’s two-year-old Ice Age (freezer burns included Far and Away and Havana), parent company Matsushita might start threat displays, but the success of Jurassic could ensure long survival.

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