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Emmys 2017
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Article

THE REAL REASONS WHY WE REALLY LIKE DINOSAURS

SIX KIDS TOLD ME, AND NOW I’LL TELL YOU…

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TYhey are so cool. They are so huge. Huger than your house. Way huger. And they’re dead. They are so dead. Of everything dead, they are the most of all dead. They are so dead they are skeletons. But even though they are dead, it seems like they are still alive. And everybody loves them. Find me one person that does not like dinosaurs. I bet you can’t even find me one single person. Another thing about dinosaurs is that where they live, it is only them living there. Dinosaurs Only. No one else allowed. And there is no boss. They are just the bosses of each other. Except Tyrannosaurus rex is the boss of them all. They’re friendly like Barney, they’re killers like Godzilla, they’re science, and they’re educational. They’ve got weird skin. People want to ride them. People want to watch them fight. Most people agree that the best dinosaur fight would be tyrannosaurus versus stegosaurus where stegosaurus hits tyrannosaurus in the mouth with that thing on his tail and then tyrannosaurus goes nuts and bites stegosaurus in the neck. Which would be kind of sad because stegosaurus is not mean. He only eats plants. The second-best fight would be tyrannosaurus versus triceratops, which would be good but not as good, because about all triceratops could do is crash into tyrannosaurus’ legs a bunch of times with its horns until tyrannosaurus falls over but then at the last minute tyrannosaurus goes nuts again and bites triceratops in the neck. Because tyrannosauruses always win. Almost always. Sometimes something weird happens but mostly they always win. If you could have any dinosaur at your command and he had to do whatever you said, but he liked you and was really your friend, the best one would be a combination half tyrannosaurus and half brontosaurus, because then he could be mean to mean people and nice to nice people, but if there was something bad or scary he could kill it for you in a second. But you definitely have to make him half brontosaurus because if he was pure tyrannosaurus he would kill anything even if you commanded him not to because a pure tyrannosaurus is very rowdy. My No. 1 pick if I could be any dinosaur is Tyrannosaurus rex. But I would be a kind that’s nice. Well, pretty nice. But I would still go crazy sometimes because a tyrannosaurus can’t help it. But the one thing I would never ever do is hurt anyone I liked. Unless they made me really really mad. I could also be the kind of tyrannosaurus that saved people sometimes. Barney is a tyrannosaurus. I wouldn’t want to be Barney, though, no offense to Barney. He’s scary in his own way. It would be so cool if dinosaurs could come back to life but I know it is not possible. Wouldn’t it be great if they could, though? For some people I know, that would probably be the best thing that could ever happen in their whole entire lives, because of all animals ever invented, dinosaurs are the best. No contest. Everybody knows that.

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