1 ROSS PEROT The backseat driver from hell. Maybe Clinton can return the favor and tell him how to run a winning presidential campaign.
2 DEBBIE REYNOLDS MUSEUM She’s finally decided to put it in Las Vegas. The Louvre must be kicking itself.
3 DAYTIME EMMY AWARDS What does Lucci mean in Italian? ”Fat chance”?
4 GUILTY AS SIN Don Johnson as a sleazeball who thinks he can get away with murder. The feel-good movie of 1993.
5 THE FUTURE ON ENTERTAINMENT Gee, someday we’ll all be able to see movies on our home computers. Big deal. Call me when it can program the VCR.
6 MICHAEL JORDAN Where’s the spread on tonight’s game? Next to the column criticizing sports gambling.
7 CONNIE CHUNG She’s one way to improve the ratings on the CBS Evening News. Or they could start doing stories that people want to see.
8 LUKE AND LAURA’S REUNION General Hospital’s long-suffering couple get back together after nine years. And live happily ever after. For about a week.
9 THE TONY AWARDS The theater has seen better days. Now there’s a broken light for every heart on Broadway.
10 FAKES AT AUCTION You mean the original Maltese Falcon wasn’t pink and didn’t stand on one leg?
11 PAUL HOGAN He’s selling shares of his next film on the stock market. But who wants to ”do lunch” with a stockbroker?
12 JAY LENO ON CEREAL BOXES Please, God, let me eat what he eats so I can have a body like that.
13 THE NBA FINALS Scads of Hollywood stars show up, sit in cheap folding chairs, and don’t give speeches. The Academy Awards should try it.
14 LIFE WITH MIKEY Michael J. Fox costars with small, cute children. Isn’t that redundant?
15 BODY PIERCING If it feels bad, do it.