1 Buckingham Palace
It will finally open to the public to raise money — and soon the queen will start taking in laundry.
2 Bob Mackie and the Mob
”I said cement overcoat, you idiot, not sequined!”
3 Aretha Franklin’s TV Special
Duets with Elton John, George Michael, and Rod Stewart. At least she tries to make them look good.
4 Kathie Lee Gifford
Doing a prime-time salute to Mother’s Day. I got Mom a TV for the kitchen so she could watch it.
5 Wome in Combat
War is just another mess men leave behind to be cleaned up by someone else.
6 Kenneth Brannagh
He’s got a hit with Much Ado About Nothing. Rumor has it that the script has been floating around Hollywood for years.
7 Body Doubles
The nude stand-ins for the stars want more recognition. So change your name: ”Hi, I’m Kevin Costner’s Butt.”
8 Prom Season
Go for the rented limo. You’ve got the rest of your life to spend in a minivan.
9 Wayne Newton
The latest star to build a theater in Branson, Mo. It reminds him of Las Vegas. Before electricity.
10 Vicki Lawrence’s Snit Fit
Forced to work an hour a day while her producers watched. What a sweatshop!
11 The Kennedy Estate
The Palm Beach house is listed at $3 million. It’ll take another million to clean up the beer stains.
12 Naomi Campbell
A supermodel engaged to a rock star, U2’s Adam Clayton. Till death or a bad hair day do us part.
13 Don Henley
He doesn’t want neighbors developing the lot next to his house. Picky for someone who toured with Joe Walsh.
14 Monica Seles
She’ll be back on the court in a few weeks. Unfortunately, so could the guy who stabbed her.
15 Hillary, Cover Girl
She’s everywhere, except on the Weekly World News. They’re waiting for an alien to endorse her health-care plan.