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How to open a CD

How to open a CD — Could it be any more difficult!?

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Come April 1, the CD longbox is history. Great for all those trees, but not necessarily easy to open.

1. Warm up. Tear phone book in half.

2. Gnaw at plastic shrink wrap with teeth. Peel away from jewel box.

3. Ask local toddler to twist off childproof cap of aspirin bottle. Take two.

4. Slide flat part of scissors underneath the holographic seal along the skinny side of the jewel box.

5. Try to cut in half.

6. Oops.

7. Apply bandage to bleeding appendage.

8. Locate tiny pair of nail scissors.

9. Repeat step 4.

10. Take severed halves of holographic seal between thumb and index finger and peel apart like a Band-Aid.

11. Do step 10 slowly or you will create sticky holographic-seal residue.

12. Dab sticky holographic-seal residue with masking tape.

13. Repeat step 12 until sticky holographic-seal residue is gone.

14. Take Valium.

15. Toss unopened jewel box on couch and go to the movies.