1 Falling Down
Michael Douglas snaps during rush hour. Odd, most folks wait till they get to work.
2 Tom Jones
Making a comeback on VH-1. His fans used to throw panties at him. Now they throw Depends.
3 Smoke-free McDonald’s
For people who want to know exactly what it feels like to eat at the White House.
4 Oscar snubs
Spike Lee joins Barbra Streisand and Steven Spielberg. At least it’s not racism. It’s malice.
5 Strictly Ballroom
A hit movie in Australia. Dirty Waltzing.
6 Michael Jackson
Inauguration, Super Bowl, Oprah, Grammys. When will Larry King ask if he’s running for President?
7 Ann Landers
In trouble for adding a few lines to a letter, but she comes out looking good. We thought she made everything up.
8 1-900-Kenny Rogers
$9.95 for the first minute. Sure, it’s expensive, but no one ever needs the second minute.
9 Bill Gates
One of the richest men in America dropped out of college. Imagine what he’d be worth if he had never finished high school.
10 Robert Blake
Becoming the LaToya Jackson of acting. Soon he’ll be more famous for his problems than for his work.
11 Army of Darkness
The latest teenage chainsaw bloodfest. It’s rated R. Isn’t it scary that someone over 17 would like this?
12 Marky Mark’s racist past
It’s not the washboard abdomen that distinguishes him. It’s the washboard brain.
13 Spring training
The Millionaires of Summer are back. Kids used to want their autographs. Now they ask for stock tips.
14 ”Hands off Chelsea” t-shirts
From those wonderful folks who brought you ”I’m With Stupid.”
15 Hitler’s skull
The Russians found it. Won’t say how, but no one in Moscow will eat government-issue soup again.