1 This inauguration was brought to you by
I keep waiting to see ”Your logo here” when they unfurl the flag.
2 The MTV ball
The most-sought-after inaugural ticket? What’s next — Pauley Shore in the Lincoln bedroom?
3 Socks-the-cat toys
Our pets have licenses. The First Pet wants a licensing deal. He’s starting to act like his litter doesn’t smell.
4 ”Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”
Clinton’s theme song should have been ”Lawyers in Love.”
5 The Prince Charles phone tapes
Dial 1-900-CAMILLA: 20 pounds and your throne for the first three minutes.
6 Sarah Phillips
Designed Hillary’s gown. Guess Mr. Blackwell was just too busy.
7 Dana Carvey
NBC’s behind the idea of his new late-night show 100 percent. Unless they find someone better.
8 Maya Angelou
America’s favorite poet. I wonder what she does for a living.
9 Rita Rudner
The comic-author-actress-star-publicist of Peter’s Friends. It’s a wonder she doesn’t hyphenventilate.
10 Bio Flops
X, Hoffa, and Chaplin all struggled at the box office. The truth is stranger, but not more profitable, than fiction.
11 Jean-Claude Van Damme
Isn’t there a law about this? He’s taking work away from an American who can’t act.
12 Aretha Franklin’s furs
PETA members would be an endangered species if they had thrown red paint on her.
13 Amy Fisher off Broadway
There’s a ”musical” about her? Maybe they’ll call it ”Lizzie Borden, Eat My Lead.”
14 Joey Buttafuoco
A bullet hole in a New York window? That never happened before Madonna went on SNL.
15 Zoe Baird
She has learned her lesson. She could have gotten a Haitian couple cheaper.