1 Inagural souvenirs
But how long will an official Bill Clinton Moon Pie last?
2 Body of Evidence
Madonna is accused of killing a man with sex. Imagine what this could do for Dr. Kevorkian’s business.
3 Fleetwood Mac
One day we’ll have a President who will want an N.W.A reunion for his inauguration.
4 Grammy nominations
Best Snub by Music Business Professionals of People Who Make Too Much Money: Madonna and Garth Brooks.
Survivors of a mountain plane crash are forced to eat their dead seatmates to survive. Start with the pilot.
6 The Super Bowl
I’d rather watch Ray Handley and Mike Ditka play the press.
7 Secondhand smoke
If it’s as wonderful as the tobacco companies say it is, why don’t they sell it?
8 Taster’s Choice commercials
If they drag it out much longer, those two will be hawking Depends, not coffee.
9 Saddam I am
He finally won himself a medal. The Iraqi purple heart, awarded to the man with the cleanest uniform.
10 The Shetlands spill
If reporters can get there, why can’t oil-company cleanup crews?
11 NBC’s Letterman decision
And if they’re wrong, heads will roll. Not executives’ heads but secretaries’.
12 Miranda Richardson
Queen of the art-house movies. She’ll spend more on award-show gowns than she made acting.
13 Elvis Stamp silliness
One guy tried to buy 10,000. There’s only one way someone that nutty can get that kind of money — working for the government.
14 Di’s bikini
Her marriage may be in ruins, but there’s a thong in her heart.
15 Leonard Cohen and Neil Young
A fan accidentally played both new albums at the same time and it stripped the paint off her furniture and she still can’t find the cat.