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'Long Island Lollita' TV movies

‘Long Island Lollita’ TV movies — From the sexiest Amy Fisher to the hairiest Joey Buttafuoco, our first (and we hope not annual) Amy Awards

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If everyone really will be famous for 15 minutes, then a lot of people should be angry that Amy Fisher has been hogging their time. As 1993 arrived, TV’s favorite felon was the focus of three network movies in a single week. That kind of output deserves a prize — in fact, several:

Sexiest Amy: Drew Barrymore (ABC)
Scariest Amy: Alyssa Milano (CBS)
Most Authentic Lawn-Guylan Accent: Noelle Parker (that’s Paw-kuh) (NBC)
Best Costume: Parker’s hair extension
Worst Costume: Milano’s stretched-to-the-limit spandex pants
Scariest Joey: Ed Marinaro (NBC)
Hairiest Joey: Anthony John Denison (ABC)
Most Priceless Amy Dialogue: ”If you don’t find somebody else to do the killing or gimme my money back, I am gonna have your legs broken!” (CBS)
Most Priceless Joey Dialogue (to Amy): ”I got scars older than you!” (ABC)
Most Priceless Mary Jo Dialogue (on Being Shot): ”This is, like, the worst thing that could ever happen!” (CBS)
Amy-Joey Pairing of our Dreams: Winona Ryder and Joe Pesci
Line We Never Want to Hear Again: ”It’s ovah!”
Other Line We Never Want to Hear Again: ”Don’t stawt wid me!”
Top Honors: To Fox, for (inexplicably) staying above the fray.