1. The Letterman deal
Sure it’s $16 million, but he still has to work four hours a week.
2. Amy Fisher TV shows
If she’s so wonderful, why don’t they give her a series? She can shoot someone else in the head each week.
3. Presidential pardon
The worst thing about the Iran-contra scandal? It took precious news time away from the Charles-and-Di story.
4. The Colorado boycott
It’s working so well at keeping gays away, the rednecks want to vote against Hispanics and blacks next.
5. Scent of a Woman
What an offensive title. Al Pacino’s supposed to be playing a blind man, not a dachshund.
6. Mia’s bio
You’ll get a free set of steak knives with every copy.
If he’s the Little Tramp, what’s Madonna?
8. Harry Connick Jr.
”Forgot” he had a gun in his bag? If you can’t remember where it is, why have one?
9. ”Clear” soft drink
What a giant leap for mankind — see-through soda! Let the Japanese top that!
10. Wild woman
Can they date Wild Men? I know a romantic spot wherewe can kill and gut dinner by candlelight.
11. Used People
Shirley MacLaine, Jessica Tandy, and Kathy Bates play Jewish matriarchs. Goy vay!
12. The Beatles reunion
The aging Fab Three will get together for a movie project next year. It’s called Help! I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up.
13. Bobby Fischer
He doesn’t think he should pay taxes. And what happens when a ”genius” meets the IRS? Write the check, mate.
14. Barbra Streisand
She put together a $60 million record and movie deal. It would have been $90 million, but she insisted on making more films.
15. No-fly zones
A military situation or an ad for bug spray?