Ingrid’s birthday is nearly here, and I still don’t know what to get her. I wanted to buy her a copy of your book, Sex, even though it is $49.95, and with those metal covers it’s hell to get through airport security.
But I can’t find it anywhere because it’s almost sold out. I bet that makes you really hot, and I bet it does the same for Warner Books execs (they’re soooooo cute). More than 500,000 copies sold…Tell me more…And they’re not printing any more in hardback…That’s right, hurt me… And once that Mylar wrapping is removed, it can’t be returned… Ouch! Everybody talked about it. It took our minds off the presidential campaign (by the way, if Ross Perot weren’t a billionaire, would we still find him sexy?).
I know you must have been hurt when a critic called Sex the ”illiterary event of the year.” She should be spanked! But don’t be sad, Dita dear. Sex justified that big deal you signed with Time Warner last April, giving you your own company, called Maverick, to produce albums and movies and TV specials and books. And they say you get a whopping 20 percent in royalties.
You’re 34 years old. Forbes listed you as No. 8 among this year’s Wealthiest Entertainers — your eighth-favorite position. And I read in The New York Times that your deal could make you at least $60 million richer in the next seven years.
Eight figures is such a turn-on. I’m sure you’re worth it, because they say that Madonna-related business has generated $1.2 billion in the last decade. Billion! Get me to the nearest cold shower. Not bad for a girl who left Ann Arbor, Mich., just 14 years ago with $37 in her pocket.
But sometimes I worry about you, Dita. That book — lesbian skinheads, male | strippers, you and a dog! How will you top it? Rosie O’Donnell said there’s only one thing left after Sex: ”motherhood.” I can just see you, pregnant and naked — except for a dog collar — on the cover of Vanity Fair. Please spare us the childbirth video. (I know Alek Keshishian is cute, and we all loved that documentary he did on you, Truth or Dare, but don’t let him talk you into anything you’ll regret.)
By the way, I thought you and Rosie made such a cute couple in A League of Their Own last summer — some people thought you even showed some acting ability! I’m getting squishy.
And you were so funny on that Saturday Night Live ”Coffee Talk” sketch with Mike Myers. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that your character was called Liz Rosenberg — the name of your publicist. Is there anything sexier than publicity? It’s even sexier than Sex. Maybe I’ll wait to buy Ingrid her birthday present. I read that Sex will be released in softcover next year. Mmmm… paper cuts.
Thinking of you,