1 A Few Good Men
A few very good-looking men (and a woman). Just what unit are Tom Cruise and Demi Moore in?
2 Kevin Kostner
On the talk-show circuit plugging The Bodyguard. If he’d been a real bodyguard, he would have thrown himself on the critics.
3 French Farmers
What a bunch of winers.
4 Sinéad O’Connor
She’s giving her house away to benefit Somalia. Why didn’t she do this on Saturday Night Live?
5 John McEnroe and Tatum O’Neal
If everyone split up just because the husband is a patronizing, arrogant jerk, we’d all be single.
6 Robin Williams
In Aladdin and Toys. Now they pay him a fortune for what used to be called ”disturbing the class.”
7 Michael Caine’s autobiography
Don’t stop. Tell me more about Jaws the Revenge.
8 Christmas newsletter
If you were doing something worth reading about, you wouldn’t have time to write one of these.
9 Maggie speaks
Elizabeth Taylor supplied the voice of the Simpson tot. ”I swear, I feel like a puddy-tat on a hot tin roof.”
10 Marge Schott
The Cincinnatti Reds owner insists she is not a racist. She plans to set all the players free when she dies.
11 The Wilson Phillips breakup
Where will we go for sappy, ceaseless, sound- alike music now? The A&P?
12 Bob Packwood
Why is it against the law to drive a car when you’re drunk but perfectly legal to run the country?
13 Harry Connick Jr.
The neo-crooner just released an album made when he was 11, called When Harry Met Jack and Jill….
The hot item this holiday. Kids must not know they’re cheap.
15 Mystery Science Theater
TV’s future — on-screen kibitzing. Think how much it would improve the nightly news.