For the bumblesome bad guys in Home Alone 2, it only hurts when you laugh. But how much would it hurt if they endured all of Kevin’s playful torture in real life? We asked Dr. Joseph Fetto, associate professor of orthopedics at New York University/Tisch Hospital, to estimate the physical damage, treatment, and financial setback to Harry and Marv:
*Wacky Violence: Harry and Marv slip on beads on sidewalk and land on backs. Damage: Soft-tissue damage, possible wrenched back, and herniated discs — partial to permanent damage. Treatment: Minimum 2-6 weeks bed rest; possible back surgery. Cost: As much as $22,000 (including $1,000 per hour for operating room, $500 a day for bed in four-bed room, and $1,000 a day for ancillary care).
*Wacky Violence: Harry flies off a seesaw onto car, crushing top and shattering windows. Damage: Definite multiple fractures, possible permanent disability. Treatment: Probable surgery. Cost: $8,500 (including three-day hospital stay).
*Wacky Violence: Marv is hit on forehead by bricks thrown off four-story building. Damage: At best, brain damage; at worst, death. Treatment: None. Cost: $3,000 for your average funeral.
*Wacky Violence: Marv steps into floorless lobby, falls one story (10-12 feet) onto face. Damage: Bruising; possible multiple facial, skull fractures. Treatment: Reconstructive surgery. Cost: $8,000 (including two-day hospital stay).
*Wacky Violence: Bag of tools lands on Harry’s head. Damage: Probable skull fracture, neurological damage, possible death. Treatment: If he’s alive, hospitalization and surgery. Cost: At least $16,500 (surgery and one-week hospital stay).
*Wacky Violence: Bookshelf stacked with paint cans falls on Marv, who’s already on his back. Damage: Bruises and bumps to chest and abdomen, possible internal damage, such as ruptured spleen. Treatment: Bed rest for bruises, surgery for spleen. Cost: $16,500 (surgery and one-week hospital rest).
*Wacky Violence: Marv gets 10-second, 110-volt electric shock. Damage: Almost certain cardiac arrest. Treatment: Hospitalization for stabilization of heart, neural network, and care for brain and muscle damage. Cost: $10,500 (emergency-room care, week of hospitalization).
*Wacky Violence: Harry’s wool hat catches on fire and he sticks his head in toilet filled with gasoline; resulting explosion blows out windows of the house. Damage: Third-degree burns to lungs — certain fatality. Treatment: None. Cost: Funeral (see ”bricks”).
*Wacky Violence: Metal pipe swings down a staircase, hitting the crooks flush on the face; they fall one story, land on backs. Damage: Impact of pipe would cause facial fractures; fall would result in probable partial paralysis and catastrophic spinal fractures. Treatment: Surgery, with no guarantees. Cost: Upwards of $20,000.
*Wacky Violence: Tool chest crashes down stairs and breaks through door against which Harry and Marv are standing; they suffer broken noses. They straighten out their noses themselves. Damage: Accurately depicted in film. Treatment: It is possible to manipulate nose back into place but rhinoplasty could be necessary. Cost: $8,000 (surgery plus two-day hospital stay).
*Wacky Violence: Kevin ignites a kerosene-soaked rope on which Marv and Harry are dangling; they fall four stories. Damage: Multiple fractures of pelvis and back, 50 percent chance of fatality. Treatment: Surgery, if they survive. Cost: Upwards of $20,000.