1 The election
Do you think all those negative campaign ads had any effect on us, you idiotic buffoons?
At last, the real story comes out — Sammy Davis Jr. was forced to be in the Rat Pack against his will.
3 Hugh Hefner
Finally, a documentary about the man who took sex out of the bedroom and put it on the coffee table where it belongs.
4 Bill Cosby/NBC
He’s upset with the way TV continues to portray most blacks as fools and nitwits. Most whites too, Bill.
5 Brandon Tartikoff
Anyone could have made a flop like 1492. Why is he taking all the credit?
6 Wesley Snipes
Taking on skyjackers in Passenger 57. The bad guys are so depraved they want the plane for its food.
7 Magic Johnson’s ”retirement”
Basketball is in denial. Magic can go away, but the problem won’t.
8 Keith Richards
How does he keep his voice in such great shape? Lots of honey? Hot tea?
9 Sweeps month
When news reports called ”Is There Too Much TV Sex?” are five times racier than any other TV show.
10 Anne Rice
She’s written another best-seller about the un-dead. The best thing about being a vampire? No daytime TV.
11 Jennifer Eight
A serial killer has murdered seven women, all ID’d by the cops as ”Jennifer.” How dumb can you get? It’s the Tiffanys we don’t need.
12 Political pundits
Explaining politics is like explaining tofu. Whatever they have to say, it’s boring and hard to swallow.
13 Julie Andrews
Coming back to the New York stage after 33 years. She’ll find nothing’s changed, not even the sheets at some hotels.
14 The Burger Kind ad jerk
There’s only one way to stop him. Go to Wendy’s.
15 The FCC
Working to keep our crime-ridden, drug-infested, jobless country safe from foul language.