1 Madonna’s book
Nude photos of Her Excessiveness. Why didn’t Norman Mailer think of this?
2 Steven Seagal
You know what they say, the bigger the gun the smaller the…
3 Saturday-night TV
Why did the ratings fall off a cliff? If it’s not worth taping, it’s not worth watching in the first place.
4 Kate Moss
The latest topless Calvin Klein model. The ads must not be working. You never see anyone wear that outfit to the office.
5 Consenting Adults
A film about wife swapping and murder. It puts forgetting your anniversary in perspective.
6 Dylan’s 30th anniversary
Nobody can hzzggnypn mmuunmmbla ZAT nehhhmmle like you, Bob.
7 Elton John
Mild-mannered fund-raiser or guard-smacking thug? Oh, I forgot my journalism: The accuser’s never wrong.
8 Schwinn bankruptcy
If only we could get those damn foreign companies to stop making things Americans want, we’d be all right.
9 The presidential debates
The spin doctors can’t save Bush now. How about a trip to Lourdes?
10 Robert De Niro
They always say he’s an actor’s actor. What are the rest of them — claims adjusters’ actors?
11 Brandon Tartikoff’s book
He’s the genius behind The Cosby Show. And all this time you thought it was Bill Cosby.
12 The Publlic Eye
Joe Pesci as a crime photographer. If he plays one more nut, they’re going to have to name something for him at Stuckey’s.
13 Nobel Prize
It’s nice, but it’s not like getting your star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame.
14 Denis Leary
Why is the comedian so angry at people who don’t eat meat? What’s odder than a fear of vegetarians?
15 Eric Lindros
The $20 million hockey hunk is made for TV. Too bad hockey isn’t.