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Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

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1 Billy Crystal
When did comedians become such good actors? Could you imagine Henny Youngman up for an Oscar?

2 Tonight Show firing
Forget singing, let’s have Travis Tritt go on the road knocking out 800-pound gorillas.

3 Carjacking
Now you have to put a sign in your window that says ”No Driver.”

4 Stuffed elephant
Quayle’s peace offering to Murphy Brown’s kid. The kid killed it for the tusks.

5 Glengarry Glen Ross
”Death of a Sales Associate.”

6 Picket Fences
Quirky new show of the week. Whoever said, ”Truth is stranger than fiction” doesn’t watch enough TV.

7 Miss America Pageant
Or ”How to Dress Like Eva Peron in the ’90s.” No Sassy readers need apply.

8 CMA Awards
Most of the nominees weren’t even making records three years ago. Maybe pop music should have term limits too.

9 Blondie fires Dagwood
She axed him from her catering business. If they really wanted to be modern, Dagwood would be calling a lawyer.

10 John Schlafly
There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Even the best families have some conservative Republicans in them.

11 Bryant Gumbel
A new book accuses him of sexual insensitivity. Not true. He’s rude to men and women.

12 Presidential debates
Too old-fashioned. Let’s make Bush and Clinton play Jeopardy for a week. ”Foreign Policy for $200, Alex.”

13 En Vogue
Better than the Supremes. It must be easier to sing without a knife in your back.

14 Norman Schwarzkopf
A general who’s not afraid to cry. We still can’t get him to eat the quiche, though.

15 Ross Perot
I’m sorry, but if he wants to be President, he’s gonna have to buy my vote just like everybody else.

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