1 Daniel Day-Lewis
Playing Hawkeye in The Last of the Mohicans. Was he raised by Indians or did he escape from a Calvin Klein ad?
2 Barbra Streisand and Andre Agassi
There is no romance; she’s after hair tips.
3 Whoopi Goldberg
The movies, the talk show, the Star Trek gig, Comic Relief, the Disney fights. What does she do in her spare time?
4 Husbands and Wives
In the continuing saga, Woody insists this movie has nothing to do with his real life. The movie takes place on Park Avenue.
5 Highest-paid entertainers
The usual suspects: Cosby, New Kids, etc. How come Zamfir never makes the list?
6 Michael Jackson’s halftime show
Just what the Super Bowl needs — more hype.
7 Connors vs. Navratilova
The debut of a new piece of equipment, the Tennis Walker.
8 Murphy Brown premiere
If she attacks Dan Quayle, will it fall under the equal-slime rule?
9 Tony Bennett Sings Sinatra
The hard part about selling this is telling those who want it what CDs are.
10 Bob Newhart
Bob had better be a hit. He’s run out of names to call his show.
11 Sex in space
Shouldn’t we wait till we get it right on earth?
12 Garth Brooks’ semiretirement
He’s trying to stay a regular guy. He’s even insured his bald spot for a million.
13 Rush Limbaugh
I wish he’d stopping wrapping himself in the flag. He’s getting it all dirty.
The winner will be — the people who make blank videotape.
They say it’s unfunny on purpose. She didn’t want her fans shaking their trailers loose by laughing too hard.