1. Democratic Convention
4,928 people you wouldn’t sit next to on a bus, covered by 15,000 parasitic journalists. It’s what Washington feels like all the time.
2. The Clinton/Gore Ticket
Usually the only time you see two crackers this good-looking is on an hors d’oeuvre tray.
3. Honey, I Blew Up The Kid
I’ll wait for Honey, I Sent the Spoiled Brat to Bed Without Any Dinner.
4. Tabitha Soren
The Cokie Roberts of MTV. So what if she thinks David Brinkley is Billy Joel’s father-in-law?
At last, a bilingual talk show. The only host who dresses better than her transvestite guests.
6. Vanity Fair‘s Demi Moore
When Madonna does this, she’s a tramp. When Moore does it, she’s making a ”statement.”
7. Jesse Jackson
A political faith healer. Put your hand on the TV and feel the power of taxing the rich.
8. California Ious
The state is so broke they make Governor Wilson check under the sofa cushions for change before he goes to bed each night.
9. Death Becomes Her
Streep and Hawn together at last. It could’ve been worse — Sophie Chooses a Housesitter.
10. Cool World
What’s next? Minnie Does Milwaukee?
11. The LAPD
It’s accused of keeping clandestine files on celebs. Hard to believe it has something the Enquirer doesn’t.
12. Fay Vincent
There’s a lunatic fringe that thinks Chicago is in the East. My kind of town, ogacihC si.
13. A Stranger Among Us
Melanie Griffith as a cop among the Hasidim. Or: Guess who’s coming to dinner — a shiksa.
14. Axl Rose’s Arrest
This used to be bad for your career. Now even Donny Osmond’s out littering.
15. Man Trouble
They wouldn’t let critics preview it. Like a cook saying, ”Don’t worry, it tastes just like chicken.”