What the country is talking about this week
1. DIANA AND CHARLES
Heirs to the throne — you can’t live with ’em, you can’t live without ’em.
2. PATRIOT GAMES
Tom Clancy thought the CIA was the home of intrigue and double-crossing. Then he went to Hollywood.
3. BILLY RAY CYRUS
A country hunk tops the charts with ”Achy Breaky Heart.” I’m sure glad he didn’t have tummy-wummy trouble.
4. FEMALE CANDIDATES
At least you know they’re not thinking about women all the time.
Goldie Hawn plays an uninvited guest who won’t go away. I’m waiting to hear David Letterman’s review.
6. DANNY DEVITO
He meets his mortal enemy in Batman Returns — his Penguin costume and makeup.
7. SPALDING GRAY
He’s turned a bit part into two movies. Imagine the stories he could tell if he actually did something.
8. CHIEF DARYL GATES
He says the people who work for him love him. All bosses think that way.
9. KARAOKE SHOWCASE
It’s kind of like Star Search in reverse. If you have talent, they don’t want you.
10. JOAN LUNDEN
She’s upset she has to pay her ex-husband $18,000 a month for support. Still, it must be nice to be able to.
11. CARL BERNSTEIN He says today’s reporting is shallow and sensational. Like calling a source ”Deep Throat.”
12. MADONNA IN PLAYBOY
A sneaky preview of her book of nude photos. My fantasy — a naked superstar between the Right Guard and Rogaine ads.
13. JOAN RIVERS IN ENGLAND
She was lost on some Brits. They think comedy’s supposed to have long, dull spots.
14. SUPER SOAKERS
Boston wants to outlaw these feisty squirt guns. They’d be better off if everyone only had squirt guns.
15. DREAM ON
It’s on HBO because the networks are scared of sex. They think it should stay in advertising, where it belongs.