The Black Crowes aren’t the first to find themselves anointed ”the new Rolling Stones.” A long line of bands in their baby stages have been saddled with that title — Aerosmith, the New York Dolls, even Guns N’ Roses — though none as slavishly derivative as the Crowes. Here’s what fingered them:
Must be as thick and pouty as possible, the better to imitate master mouth Mick Jagger. Especially swelled are the puckers of Doll David Johansen, and Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler, who could suck a crate of lemons at 200 yards….
Skinny but full of swivel. GN’R’s Axl Rose is especially adept at the serpentine sideways shimmy, reinventing Mick’s original crotch-grind. Also impressive is how nimbly Crowes crooner Chris Robinson works his vintage hip-hugger bell-bottoms….
Scrawny, the better to thrust like an aroused rooster. Tyler’s torso is the perfect post-Jagger example, as wiry as a pipe cleaner….
The key is to mimic the stoned buddy relationship of Jagger and Keith Richards. Notice how Steve Tyler and Joe Perry — or Axl Rose and Slash — hang on each other as if they were too wasted to stand up on their own….
To qualify, a group must have lifted as much from Richards as he lifted from Chuck Berry — that is, every rock band of the last 25 years.