1 Madonna’s $60 Million Deal Mom was right. You should always wear clean underwear. Outside your clothes.
2 Millie’s Salary Last year the presidential pet made four times more than Bush. But then, the dog worked harder.
3 Earth Day Is that what happened to Pluto and Venus? They forgot to recycle?
4 Country Music Awards Everybody sing now, ”Put another squirrel on the fire, ’cause we’re havin’ some company.”
5 Burt Reynolds At one point he was taking 50 Halcions a day. Who recommended this doctor — Liza Minnelli?
6 Sweeps Critics say this is when TV panders to the lowest common denominator. Like last week all the Nobel Prize winners were watching Roseanne.
7 Andy Rooney This time he offended some Native Americans. He neglected to thank them for giving us tobacco.
8 America’s Cup Equip both boats with cannons and this might start to be interesting.
9 Freddie Mercury Tribute Rich rockers raising money for AIDS research. Couldn’t they just write a check?
10 Leona’s Silk PJ’s She needed them at the last minute? That can mean only one thing — she’s been sleeping in the nude.
11 Juliette Lewis Eighteen-year-olds shouldn’t talk to the press. Wearing cornrows to the Oscars said all we ever needed to know about her.
12 Van Halen’s ”Right Now” Video You’d expect this video from David Byrne, not Sammy Hagar. Did they grow up, or is this a happy accident?
13 Sam Donaldson/ABC Pay him anything he wants, but please do something about that hair.
14 Deep Cover Another movie using the ”don’t-we-live-in-an-urban-hell” backdrop, which everyone will see in a nice clean mall.
15 Imus Network news has discovered the Hannibal Lecter of radio. They think he’s kidding and he’s opening the Chianti.