1 Ivana Trump’s ”Novel”
Great idea — a book for people who can’t read. One step above a word search puzzle.
2 Dolly Parton
Despite the title, Straight Talk is not about gay bashing.
3 One-Handed Push-Ups
The mechanical bull of ’92. How come macho-bonding is never something easy, like miniature golf?
4 April 15
At least we know the government won’t spend the money foolishly. It went past foolish years ago.
5 The United Way Scandal
I shook William Aramony’s hand once. I had to — it was in my pocket.
6 Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman
Love that costume. ”Mommy, what’s a dominatrix?” ”Shut up and clean your room!”
7 Hillary Clinton
A big help on the campaign trail. Like having an extra foot to put in your mouth.
A politically correct Western. The bad guys don’t wear black hats, they wear white skin.
9 Mann & Machine
TV’s latest robot cop. This year’s big twist? She’s a brunet!
10 Nicotine Arm Patches
You want a real buzz? Wear one but don’t quit smoking.
11 Jack Valenti
He waited till after the Oscars to blast JFK. Like yelling ”Fire” in an empty theater.
12 Vanessa Williams
Another No. 1 record. Finally she can put her behind past her.
13 John Gotti Conviction
But if the killing stops, how will we know where the really good restaurants are?
14 Spring Fever
The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, the sun is shining. What do you think it’s like outside the mall?
15 The Babe
The story of a crude, thoughtless jerk. Don’t we go to the movies to get away from people like that?