1 The Academy Awards
It’s an honor just to be nominated.” Now, that’s acting.
2 Leona Helmsley
God bless America. If this were the Philippines, she’d be running for president.
3 Barbara Walters
She’s one of America’s most respected journalists. How scary is that?
4 Fregie & Andrew
It couldn’t last. She leaves her stockings on the shower rod and he watches TV in his B.V.D.’s.
5 He Shoots, He Scores
NCAA ”March Madness.” Where would Japan be if its colleges were pro basketball farm teams instead of schools?
6 Embrace the Serpent
Marilyn Quayle’s new book. No wonder she has snakes on the brain — she married a politician.
7 H. Ross Perot
He’s not running for President — as fast as he can.
8 NFL’s Instant Replay Ruling
It had to go. There’s much more male bonding when the officials make a bad call.
9 Jerry Brown
He’s against pandering to the special interests. He’s for pandering to the little people. I’m against pandering. Please believe me.
10 Congressional Perks
Like people would stop running for office if they didn’t have their own gym.
11 Marisa Tomei
Joe Pesci’s costar in My Cousin Vinny. Swatch should put out a biological clock with her picture on it.
12 Michael Jackson’s Pepsi ”Allergy”
Macaulay Culkin spilled the cola beans to a sneaky reporter. Right out of Journalism 101 — Taking Candy From a Baby.
13 Hilary Clinton
If Bill wins, she wants to be the First and Only Lady.
14 The Godfather Special
The tie-in from hell — HBO’s running all three movies during the John Gotti trial.
15 Molly Ringwald
Who’s been her agent for the last five years? The Reverend Moon?