1 The Beatty-Bening Marriage
Some women are acting like he was the only single, rich, handsome Oscar-winning producer-writer-director-actor out there.
2 WWF Sex Scandal
A shock to the integrity of professional wrestling.What next — the matches are fixed?
3 Congressional Check Bouncers
Excuse No. 355: ”I knew my secretary couldn’t type, but I didn’t know she couldn’t add.”
4 Tammy Faye-Jim Bakker Divorce
Jim must have called her ”Bubba” by accident.
5 White Guys Can’t Jump
Oh, I get it. It’s okay to make fun of white stereotypes.
6 Ted Kennedy’s Engagement
What a catch — a 60-year-old carouser with a weight problem. Liz Taylor did better at the Betty Ford Clinic.
7 Queer Nation at the Oscars
We’re here! We’re queer! Get…OH MY GOD, THAT’S BARBRA STREISAND!…used to it!
8 Amelia Earhart
New evidence reveals her last radio transmission was ”I thought you bought the gas.”
9 The Yoko Ono Boxed Set
A voice that comes along once in a lifetime. Too bad it had to be ours.
10 Article 99
A movie by the numbers. It should have been 86’d.
11 Movie Stars on Broadway
The thee-a-ta is such a relief from the phoniness of Hollywood, darling. Ta.
12 Barry Diller
He’s gonna buy C-SPAN and add a laugh track.
Weren’t you kind of hoping Cheez Doodles would be the cure for cancer?
14 Black Death Vodka
How many times have you said to yourself, ”If only I could drink what Slash drinks”?
15 Spring Break
A good time for the rest of us to visit America’s great museums and libraries. They’ll be empty.