1. The Winter Olympics
Looks like a pep rally for the Aryan Nations. You’d think blacks and Asians were allergic to snow.
2. The New Hampshire Primary
There must be a better way to elect a President. This process has all the integrity of professional wrestling.
3. Wayne’s World
Maybe the Japanese are right about Americans after all.
4. Benetton Advertisements
Photos of death and despair aren’t that shocking. Lowering their prices might be.
5. The Lost City of Ubar
If they can find Ubar after 3,000 years, they can damn well find my luggage.
6. Mike Tyson
Living proof: The bigger they come, the harder they fall.
7. Sean Connery’s Ponytail
The best thing about Medicine Man. Give it a three-picture deal and let it direct.
8. Mambo Fad
If you need more than one lesson, you’re rhythmically challenged.
9. The Oscar Nominations
It’s an honor just to be nominated by your peers. Peers like Hulk Hogan, Jim Varney, Jean-Claude Van Damme…
10. Debutantes inPlayboy
All the class of a trailer park. I’ll show you my double-wide if you show me yours.
11. Where Is That Swimsuit issue
Don’t tell me they couldn’t find small enough bathing suits.
12. The Border Patrol
”Stop, or I’ll file a report!”
13. Rising Sun
Michael Crichton’s bash-seller. Are you gonna stop it, Japan, or do we have to write another book?
14. Princess Di’s Mercedes
We tried, but she just wouldn’t go for the Yugo.
Removes wrinkles and liver spots. But that’s what the stuff I used to buy said it would do.