1. Buy American
So our immigrants will have good jobs.
2. New Kids on the Block
Accusing them of lip-synching is like accusing the Chipmunks of being cartoons.
3. The Winter Olympics
The best thing about it? They don’t let the winners give “thank you” speeches.
4. Hillary Clinton vs. Tammy Wynette
Tammy should know how to stand by her man. She’s done it five times.
5. VW’s Layoff Protection Plan
They’ll make your car payments if you get axed. They don’t have to run ads like this in Germany.
6. Letterman‘s 10 Anniversary
How come he never shows that bit with Ed Ames and the tomahawk anymore?
7. Fried Green Tomatoes
The little movie that could. Thelma & Louise on Geritol.
8. Chapter 11
Macy’s, TWA, Pan Am, Orion, et al. Chapter 10 was the executives’ bonus plan.
9. Michael Douglas
He was shot nude for Basic Instinct. Edward Albee got arrested for the same thing Douglas is getting paid for.
Nicholson Baker’s entire novel is two strangers having phone sex. A tale of two sickies.
11. Drew Barrymore
Playing a teenage sexpot in Poison Ivy. No, it’s not a documentary.
12. Denzel Washington
Just maybe the sexiest man alive. Besides, Mel Gibson would have been wrong for Mississippi Masala.
13. Mardi Gras
Racial bickering may rain on the parade. Gee, I’d hate to get puke-drunk with a person of the wrong color.
14. Michael Jackson
What I listen to every time I’m in that ancient-Egypt-pop-dance-hoop-star-first-kiss-Eddie-Murphy state of mind.
15. Dog Fur Apres-Ski Boots
You know you’ve got a good pair if the toes are cold and wet.