1. Bill Clinton
Talk about kinky. Sam Donaldson seems much more upset about this than Hillary Clinton does.
2. Gennifer Flowers
Let me guess. Bill called her Gathy.
3. Myke Tyson’s Trial
So many black heavyweight champions have had trouble with the law, can it be a Kompletely Krazy Koincidence?
4. Bush’s State of the Union Address
Just a thought, but I’d say Millie the dog ate his real speech.
5. Macy’s Bankruptcy
Serves them right. They told me the mattress was gonna be here Tuesday.
6. Gloria Steinem
The poster child for the women’s movement is back. My question: Why didn’t Ms. ever do a swimsuit issue?
7. The Nintendo Mariners
”Buy me some sushi and sperm whale snack/I don’t care if we ever get back/At the old ball game.”
This is your brain. This is your brain on America’s best-selling sleeping pill. Any questions?
9. Condoms for L.A. High Schoolers
Soon they’ll be giving the kids letters for competitive sex.
10. NBC’s New Austerity
They say it costs too much to stay No. 1. When did a little imagination get so expensive?
11. Howard Cosell’s Resignation
Broadcasting’s original color man. Hyperbole will never be the same.
12. Madonna’s Litigious Dancers
You don’t really think anyone went to Truth or Dare to see Madonna, do you?
13. Boris ”Stoly” Yeltsin
Hot-line call for Betty Ford. What was that 12th step again?
14. Mariah Carey’s Evil Stepfather
He blames her for his divorce. He’s also upset that she wouldn’t pay for it.
15. Joan Lunden
Splitsville for the Good Morning America host. She caught him watching Paula Zahn.