1. Bush’s Tokyo Splash
And to think I used to worry about using the wrong fork at dinner.
2. Public Enemy
Gimme a holiday or I’ll kill you. Martin Luther King would’ve been so proud.
3. Merv Griffin
Dance Fever host Deney Terrio accuses Merv of sexual harassment. Nobody gets it.
4. Elvis Stamps
Did you hear that noise? Sounded like Ben Franklin spinning in his grave.
5. The Dennis Miller Show
Oh. I thought they said The Barney Miller Show. Never mind.
6. NCAA Eligibility Rules
Those nasty old colleges want their athletes to have a C average.
7. Super Bowl Hype
They say 80 million Americans will watch it. The other 200 million have a life.
8. Debbie Gibson
Joined the cast of Les Miz on Broadway. Shucks. That means she can’t tour with N.W.A.
9. Tequila and Bonneti
One giant step for mankind. In what, we don’t know.
The world’s best-selling garage band. That Teen Spirit smells a lot like Quaker State 10W40.
11. Winter Olympics
Must be tough for those bobsled teams to retain their amateur status.
12. Hearts are Wild
The Love Boat + Hotel + Dick Van Patten + Las Vegas = 21 Is Enough
13. Mick Jagger’s Fifth Child
Please. He probably had five a day in the ’60s.
14 Howard Stern
The only shocking thing about him is that he’s making lots of money.
Worried about violence, they took a gun out of the movie’s poster. They’ll also run a ”No Shooting” sign before the film.