We gave it a D-
Here’s a new series that makes last year’s dimmest junk look like glittering prizes. Hearts Are Wild, an Aaron Spelling production, is basically an hour-long commercial for Caesars Palace in Las Vegas that uses the structure of another Aaron Spelling production, Hotel.
In Hearts, David Beecroft (Falcon Crest) stars as dashing Jack Thorpe, the fictional owner of Caesars. Jack runs the joint with the help of his trusted friend and casino manager, Pepe Pepperman (Barton Fink‘s Jon Polito). There is also what a press release describes as the ”amiable head of guest relations,” Kyle Hubbard, played by Catherine Mary Stewart. That Stewart, an exceptionally attractive actress who has appeared in such exceptionally mediocre movies as Nighthawks and The Last Starfighter, should merit the feeble adjective ”amiable” suggests just how assiduously bland this series is.
Like a typical Spelling show, our heroes encounter two or three sentimental subplots per episode — the newlywed couple that has only $25 a week to spend on their Caesars honeymoon; the casino choreographer who wants to scrap the skimpy showgirl costumes and stage Swan Lake in the main room. Jack, Pepe, and Kyle handle everything easily, wearing big smiles and sensational clothes.
When the proceedings lag even more than usual, the show quickly introduces a scene that will place our heroes beside the hotel pool so that babes in bikinis and high heels can saunter by in the background, in the tradition of Spelling’s Love Boat, as a diversion. I think Spelling should, after all these years, just cut to the chase and put on a series called Babes in Bikinis and High Heels, with no stars in it at all — just an hour of sauntering. It would rate a higher grade than this tripe. D-