1. NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY
There must be a better way to elect a President. Maybe if they just played poker.
2. MARION BARRY
I’ve always heard that women love a man in uniform.
3. PAUL SIMON
If it weren’t for his concert trip, South Africa would be a paradise. Uh-huh.
4. TODAY‘S 40th ANNIVERSARY
Touting your age in television is like bragging about bypass surgery. Everyone’s glad you lived, but they don’t want to hear about it.
5. CHRISTIAN SLATER
The leading contender for alienated youth of the year award. Or maybe it’s just gas.
6. THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE
A middle-class couple hires an evil nanny. The name Darth Poppins should have tipped them off.
7. GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS
Designed to make movie people feel like ”artists.” About as heartfelt as an agent’s handshake.
8. BUSH IN JAPAN
He won’t apologize for Hiroshima, they won’t apologize for Detroit.
9. OLIVER NORTH ON CROSSFIRE
He could end up as Pat Buchanan’s replacement; he goes on trial and we get punished.
10. ARMANI A/X STORE
Why wait in line to get into the Italian designer’s new boutique? Go to the Gap and ask them to charge you triple.
11. DAVIS RULES
It’s switched networks, but a better show would simply be Jonathan Winters driving to work.
12. THE FLU
It’s so bad, you can’t even get into bed.
13. GARTH BROOKS SPECIAL
There’s only one thing that could stop this guy — asking Willie Nelson for help on his taxes.
14. BREAST IMPLANTS
So you die. At least you’ve brightened the lives of a few immature, sexist clods.
15. TOP 10 MOVIE LISTS
Want to get a critic’s goat? Say you’ve heard of every film on his or her best-of-the-year list.