Those still reeling from the excesses and abysses of ’91 should brace themselves for ’92. Some inevitable events to come:
Demi Moore will pose again for the cover of Vanity Fair, this time in the actual act of conceiving.
Madonna will start her own magazine (called Me) so she can appear on a cover she hasn’t been on, and all her scenes cut from the upcoming Shadows and Fog and A League of Their Own will be compiled into an eight-hour documentary called Immaterial Girl.
Michael Jackson and Macaulay Culkin will star in Boyz N the Hills, a probing drama about the gritty urban crises facing young millionaires.
The rapidly aging students of Beverly Hills, 90210 will suddenly find themselves older than their teachers.
Roseanne Arnold will be invited to sing at the Republican National Convention — by the Democrats.
The Addams Family and Hook will combine for a sequel in which Captain Hook realizes that Thing used to be his hand.
Donald Trump and Marla Maples will do battle on American Gladiators.
Barbra Streisand’s complete Oscar tally will remain at one-half (she tied for Best Actress in ’68 for Funny Girl), but she’ll be beautifully backlit as she learns she’s lost again.
Kathy Bates will strap Richard Simmons to his bed and force him to reject his weight-loss theories.
David Duke will pick Ice Cube as his running mate.
Wilson Phillips will merge with Nelson and become Wilson Nelson.
Vanilla Ice will host a game show and wince as his career turns up as the subject of one of the trivia questions.
Bette Midler will remember the time Mike Tyson grabbed her butt.
Forever Scarlett: Gone With the Wind III will beam Ms. O’Hara aboard the starship Enterprise.
Sean Young will barge into directors’ offices dressed as Godzilla and demand to play that part.
And finally, the ’70s revival will wane and everyone will start reliving ’80s greed again — but without money.