1. WEST PALM BEACH LAW
It’s only missing two things: theme music and Benny.
2. THE ECONOMY THING
”Now is a good time to buy a house,” says the President. Yes, a White House, say the Democrats.
3. MILLI VANILLICIDE
They found out Rob Pilatus was trying to kill himself when he asked someone else to write the note.
4. BRYANT GUMBEL
Why even think of signing him again? Todayshould have a sign on the door: ”Do Not Resuscitate.”
5. GUNS N’ ROSES
Izzy Stradlin quit. Let me guess. He met Yoko Ono?
6. THE LAST BOY SCOUT
The new Willis movie. If at first, second, third,fourth, and fifth you don’t succeed, try, try again.
7. JULIE BROWN
Madonna has changed her mind and decided to let her live.
8. TABLOID TV
Which is sleazier — A Current Affair, Inside Edition, or Hard Copy? Each vote will cost you 95 cents and what little self-respect you have left.
9. STAR TREK VI
Positively the absolute last Star Trek movie. This year, anyway.
10. OUTLET MALLS
They’re jammed because of the great deals. Where else can you get a four-fingered glove for a buck?
11. RECESSION CHRISTMAS BONUSES
Don’t spend it all in one jukebox.
12. ELTON JOHN
Bogie, Cagney, and Satchmo are very believable in his diet Coke commercial. Elton isn’t.
13. PEARL HARBOR 50TH ANNIVERSARY
Say what you want, it was big of Japan to let us mention it at all.
14. DAME EDNA EVERAGE
British humor, like British food, does not travel well.
15. HOLIDAY TV SPECIALS
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Christmas — good ratings.