What the country is talking about this week
Let us never forget that this day commemorates the first time the Pilgrims ever played football with the Indians.
2. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
The movie, not the Carre Otis-Mickey Rourke romance.
3. THE MADONNA AND VANILLA ICE RUMORS
It must be interesting when they both say ”Don’t mess up my hair” at the same time.
4. MURDEROUS EX-POSTAL EMPLOYEES
It’s time to start thinking about the Taxi Driver commemorative stamp.
5. THE ADDAMS FAMILY
They’re already working on the sequel. Parts II.
6. CONDOM ADVERTISING TV
execs judging good taste is like vegetarians judging burgers.
7. LOUISIANA VOTERS
They sent David Duke back where he belongs. Berlin, 1933.
8. CIVIL WARS
The new Steven Bochco dramedy about divorce lawyers. My heroes. What ever happened to Westerns?
9. THE TWO MRS. BURTONS
Can Sally Burton hold a grudge? She must be upset that Richard only married her once.
10. WOMEN ON TOP
Politically correct pornography disguised as a textbook. It suffers from psychobabble interruptus.
11. CHRISTMAS ADVERTISING
I want a salad shooter like I want a duck disemboweler.
12. RED WINE AND FOIE GRAS
These French health foods have been found to lower cholesterol levels, say Parisian docs, but how ever will we get people to ingest them?
13. DANIELLE STEEL
Hard to believe she was married to an inmate, but you know what they say: Nonfiction is stranger than fiction.
14. PAT BUCHANAN FOR PRESIDENT
There’s only one problem with Pat. Ferdinand Marcos has more sex appeal.
15. LETTERMAN’S TOP 10 LIST
Not every night anymore because there are too many cheap imitators doing funny lists. Oh, bite me.