1. THE GERALDO/MIDLER FLAP
Rude, aggressive, insensitive-gee, that doesn’t sound like the Geraldo we know.
2. JOAN RIVERS’ FACE-LIFT
She’s thinking of having surgery once a week to keep the ratings up: This Tuesday, Joan has a colostomy!
3. BILLY BATHGATE
Nicole Kidman sleeping with Dustin Hoffman? Not bloody likely, and who would want to see that?
4. THE PALM BEACH STORY
Who will ever forget exactly where they were the moment they heard a jury had been selected?
5. MICHAEL JACKSON & FAMILY
They write books and make records when they want to talk. Do us a favor; buy a phone.
6. MUGGING TRUMP’S MOTHER
May she get well soon. Donald says he won’t rest until he gets her $14 back.
7. ROD STEWART AND RACHEL HUNTER
Sure, the Globe snuck into their backyard to take the pictures, but would they be suing if Rod were in better shape?
8. IMELDA MARCOS
Running her fingers through Ferdy’s hair? Yech! Throw her in and shut the lid.
9. PRINCE COMIC BOOKS
He doesn’t have special powers, but he has more costumes than any other superhero.
10. TERM LIMITS FOR POLS
Blame medical progress. You just can’t count on politicians to expire in office anymore.
11. ST. IDES BEER AD
Ice Cube’s getting flak for plugging this nasty brew. Like he had a choice between this and Ralph Lauren.
12. THAT FOX-HUNTING VIDEO
So cruel. The critter should have been set free to be hit by a car like other foxes.
13. DESIGNING WOMEN
Stories straight from today’s headlines. Next week: an episode about the Serbs and the Croats.
14. SCARLETT MOVIE SALE
$8 million for this? Then why not ask Tammy Faye Bakker to play Scarlett?
15. NBC’S TOM ASPELL
He’s kidding with that accent, right? Ten-to-one he’s from da Bronx.